The Else Factor

“The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.” – Proberbs 18:17 (NIV)

Whenever there is conflict between two people and I am asked to play referee or counselor, I sometimes employ a series of eight questions. For example, if a husband and wife are in conflict and they come in to see me, I will engage them in the following manner:

1. George, what do you believe you have contributed to the demise of this relationship? He answers, “I have been angry and withdrawn.”

2. Sally, without adding to what George has said, do you agree with his assessment of what he has contributed to the demise of this marriage? She answers, “Yes, I do.”

3. Sally, what do you believe you have contributed to the demise of this relationship? She answers, “I have been demanding and nagging.”

4. George, without adding to what Sally has said, do you agree with her assessment of what she has contributed to the demise of this marriage? He answers, “Yes I do.”

5. Sally, what ELSE would you add to what George has said regarding his role in this marriage conflict? She answers, “He does not lead spiritually and refuses to talk about the problem.”

6. George, do you agree with what Sally has added to your assessment of the problem? He answers, “Yes.”

7. George, what ELSE would you add to what Sally has said regarding her role in this conflict? He answers, “She uses the children to turn against me and refuses to stick to a budget.”

8. Sally, do you agree with what George has added to your assessment of the problem? She answers, “Yes.”

The key word in all of this is the word else. Usually people will admit to what they know they have contributed to the problem or conflict. It’s the else factor that often gets in the way. The else is what your adversary sees that you don’t. This may be the blind spot that contributes heavily to the conflict. You may not agree with the else factor but it is key. If I can nail down what both sides agree upon, then I don’t need to waste my time there. They have owned up to that and need to seek forgiveness. It’s the else factor on which I need to shed the light. My point in all this is that we usually contribute more to the problem than we can see. If our adversary sees what we don’t see, then two possibilities exist. They are right and we need to own up to our fault, or they are wrong but perceive me to have a fault to which I can’t agree. So I must explore why they perceive me in this manner. Perception is huge in the else factor.

Conflict is inevitable in life. The Bible assures us that we will experience it in marriage, in friendships, and in the workplace. An honest assessment of ourselves in the midst of conflict is necessary for resolution.

The else factor that we can’t see must be seriously considered in the light of truth or perception. If it is true, we admit it and seek forgiveness. If we believe it is false, we look to find why we are creating this perception and correct it. That’s the way I see things.